No Small Talk, Episode 13 “Strangle You In The Huddle”

The famed author, Chuck Klosterman, created intricate questions in an attempt to avoid “small talk.” Per his words: “Some people are extremely good at making small talk. These people are better known as ‘idiots’. “

Having all their conversations be nothing but small, Matthew Ryan and Stephanie Sottile thought it’d be fun to answer some of these questions:

  1.  You need to have the inside of your home painted. A thorough online search available professional painters indicates that one candidate is especially ideal for your needs- he has earned high approval ratings from past employers and is relatively inexpensive. However, when you contact him by phone, he mentions one strange detail about his work habits: He insists on watching pornography while painting. “Don’t worry- I don’t masturbate to it. It’s just for entertainment,” he says. “But it’s the only way I like to paint. This being the case, I will need to use your DVD player to view my personal collection of erotic films while I work. I may also use your cable service to purchase on-demand or pay-per-view pornographic movies, but I will itemize any movies I watch and subtract the cost from you overall bill.”

Do you employ this pornography enthusiast as your house painter?

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No Small Talk, Episode 11 “Point Break With Elephants”

 

The famed author, Chuck Klosterman, created intricate questions in an attempt to avoid “small talk.” Per his words: “Some people are extremely good at making small talk. These people are better known as ‘idiots’. “

Having all their conversations be nothing but small, Matthew Ryan and Stephanie Sottile thought it’d be fun to answer some of these questions:

    1. 1. Let us assume that you have the ability to telekinetically change culture when you actively experience it. Your mind can now dictate what you see and hear. For example, if you were listening to Pearl Jam’s Yield and you wanted the music to be heavier, it would immediately sound as though Mike McCready’s guitar had been tuned differently in the studio. If you were watching The Office on NBC and decided that Jim should marry Pam (or Karen, or both), you could make it happen- all you would need to do is think about that specific desire. You could stare at an oil painting and unconsciously change the color contrasts. If a PG-13 romantic comedy grew dull, you could force it to evolve into an eroticized NC-17 thriller. You could (essentially) write books as you read them, eliminating certain characters and redirecting plot points as they occurred in the text. However, such changed would only apply to your experience; you could kill off Han Solo at the end of Return Of The Jedi, but that would not change the movie for anyone else. All other people would possess the same personal psychic powers as you.

    Would you want this ability? And- if this became reality- would art retain any meaning whatsoever?

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No Small Talk, Episode 10 “Vomit In Your Own House”

 

The famed author, Chuck Klosterman, created intricate questions in an attempt to avoid “small talk.” Per his words: “Some people are extremely good at making small talk. These people are better known as ‘idiots’. “

Having all their conversations be nothing but small, Matthew Ryan and Stephanie Sottile thought it’d be fun to answer some of these questions:

  1. 1.You work in an office. Generally, you are popular with your coworkers. However, you discover that there are currently two rumors circulating the office gossip mill, and both involve you. The first rumor is that you got drunk at the office holiday party and had sex with one of your married coworkers. This rumor is completely true, but most people don’t believe it. The second rumor is that you have been stealing hundreds of dollars of office supplies (and then selling them to cover a gambling debt). This rumor is completely false, but virtually everyone assumes it is factual.

Which of these two rumors is most troubling to you?

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No Small Talk Episode 9, “Mr. Richard Bra”

 

The famed author, Chuck Klosterman, created intricate questions in an attempt to avoid “small talk.” Per his words: “Some people are extremely good at making small talk. These people are better known as ‘idiots’. “

Having all their conversations be nothing but small, Matthew Ryan and Stephanie Sottile thought it’d be fun to answer some of these questions:

  1. 1. Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of your life, knowing everything that you know now. You will re-experience your entire adolescence with both the cognitive ability of an adult and the memories of everything you’ve learned from having lived your life previously.

Would you lose your virginity earlier or later than you did the first time around (and by how many years)?

 

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No Small Talk, Episode 7, “Justin Bieber Is A Vacuum”

 

The famed author, Chuck Klosterman, created intricate questions in an attempt to avoid “small talk.” Per his words: “Some people are extremely good at making small talk. These people are better known as ‘idiots’. “

Having all their conversations be nothing but small, Matthew Ryan and Stephanie Sottile thought it’d be fun to answer some of these questions:

  1. 1. You are given the opportunity to create and direct a feature film. The studio offers you a huge budget, provides you with a top-notch writing and technical staff, and allows you to cast whomever you desire in the lead roles. There are essentially no limitations on what this movie can be-except for two. The movie you make has to fulfill the following two criteria:
  1. It has to be extremely edgy and transgressive. You need to confront taboo social issues. You need to shock people. Ideally, the film will address ideas that have never been tackled by mainstream filmmakers. In fact, if this movie is not the most controversial film of the year, the studio will probably not release it. However:
  2. It has to get a PG rating. It cannot be R or even PG-13. There may be limited profanity, minor depictions of violence, and fleeting nudity, but nothing that would prompt the ratings board to go beyond the PG classification.

What is the premise and plot of your hypothetical movie?

 

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No Small Talk, Episode 6, “Icing On The Sex Cake”, 2/16/15

The famed author, Chuck Klosterman, created intricate questions in an attempt to avoid “small talk.” Per his words:“Some people are extremely good at making small talk. These people are better known as ‘idiots’. “

Having all their conversations be nothing but small, Matthew Ryan and Stephanie Sottile thought it’d be fun to answer some of these questions:

1. You encounter a boulevard filled with homeless people, human waste, and dried blood. There are at least 50 people lying in the street—men, women, and teenagers. It’s the middle of summer, and none of them have bathed in weeks. A few are crackheads. Most are intoxicated. A handful are mentally insane. All are hungry and desperate. Suddenly, you are granted an incredible capability: If you have unprotected intercourse with any one of these individuals—right then and there, immediately, on the sidewalk, in public—you will end worldwide homelesssness forever. Within five years, no one will ever homeless again, and everyone will know it was because of your selflessness (however, if you elect not to do this, no one will ever know you had this opportunity—you will not be held accountable for choosing to do nothing).

2. You are close friends with a wonderful 30-year old woman who has never been in a romantic relationship. At long last, she meets a man she seems to like (and who likes her). He is 35, a successful architect, relatively attractive, and refreshingly unguarded. In fact, he is so unguarded that—during the first meal you ever share with him—he stoically tells the entire table a stunning story. This is his anecdote: “When I was twelve years old, I was playing with my neighbor on a railroad bridge near our home. No one else was around. We got into an argument, and I pushed him off the bridge, killing him instantly. I told everyone it was an accident and I never got into any trouble, but I knew what I was doing. At the time, I truly wanted to kill him. Now, in retrospect, it was obviously wrong. I wish I had not killed that person. But that was twenty-three years ago. Little kids do crazy things. You know how it goes.”

The next day, your female friend asks if she could continue pursuing this relationship. How do you advise her?

 

 

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